Allison’s Diary Entries:
“Afterwards why so mean? Laufed [sic] at undies. Told me I smelled,” she wrote in a list of brief dot points.
“Dirty – find the whole thing dirty – maybe I’m prudent.
“Still get sick in stomach.”
In another entry made two days before Mr Baden-Clay reported her missing on April 20, Allison questioned her husband’s conscience.
“Were you prepared to live with the guilt if I hadn’t found out,” she wrote.
“Do you regret the whole thing or just being court [sic].
“Really hurt had so many opportunities to tell me – let me believe it was all my fault and therefore I was at your mercy.
“Forced me to look to you – think that’s where you wanted me.”
She later crossed out her list of questions.
“Did she ever say – I feel bad because you’re married,” she had written.
“How many times?
“Movies – drive together. Scared of being seen? Kiss/hug?
“Drive together – seats down – lie there [sic] afterwards?”
In the pages of the journal, Mrs Baden-Clay admits her weaknesses and acknowledges her strengths and ponders a life she might have had if she had not married the man now accused of her murder.
“Maybe I am still harbouring regrets about getting married and did I make the right decision?
“Was I ready to give of myself and share or I was still self-centered. I didn’t want to go overseas – I wanted to change my career – to be FAMOUS!
“And Gerard stood in my way! And I have treated him like shit because I held this belief …
“I still go into my cave and don’t open my mouth to say what I want then this keeps bottling up.”
Under the heading ‘Fear’, Mrs Baden-Clay wrote about the shame she would feel if her marriage “failed”.
“I don’t want to be alone. I am afraid of being alone and lonely maybe because I think I can’t handle it. I am afraid of failing – failing in my marriage and what people will think,” she wrote.
The documents since released by the court reveal details of Mr Baden-Clay’s alleged long-running affair with his work colleague Toni Cheri McHugh which began in August 2008.
Mrs Baden-Clay’s notes within her journal show her marriage was floundering two years into her husband’s affair.
“I would give anything if my partner would love me and make love to me,” Allison wrote on December 8, 2010.
“It hurts when my partner won’t give me a proper hug.
“Sometimes at night I feel lonely and cry.
“I feel the most lonely when my partner won’t sleep in the same bed.”
However, her life had been more positive earlier that year.
“Today I am grateful for … the loving text I just received from my husband,” she wrote.
“My tireless parents and their tireless, unconditional love.
“My ballet friends and the lovely breakfast I had this morning.
“My husband for booking in until 2pm so I could enjoy my morning and for making dinner.”
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